Why Making Friends at Any Age is Hard

Core Values with Friendship

One of the things I focus on during therapy with my clients is their core values. A core value is how you see and navigate your world. In this therapy activity I use one of my favorite lists of core values found here. I usually will read off the list of core values. I ask the client to write down the ones that are important to them personally. Then I have them choose their top 5. For my highly sensitive clients, loyalty is usually one of their top three. Loyalty, faithfulness or allegiance, describes someone who has a strong support toward someone else.

Why Is It Difficult to Make New Friends?

Here are three reasons HSPs find it difficult to make new friends at any age:

The Need For a Deep Connection With Others

Children

Children usually have a little bit easier time making friends. They are typically involved in school or sports that creates a space for them to have common interests. Where they will struggle in this area is if they find friends whom they feel are not reciprocating their kindness or allegiance. They may get their feelings hurt easily. They may overthink interactions with friends that leads to high levels of anxiety (adults may do this too though!)

Teens

Teens have a difficult time making new friends, especially if they have social media. It makes them often feel left out of things. They see what their friends are doing on social media. If they lose their phones as consequence, they feel very left out because almost all plans are made through social media. They too may overthink interactions with their friends. They have a difficult time navigating disloyalty, especially in the middle school and high school years. This is where friends may change rapidly as this age group is trying on different ideas and behaviors to find their personal identities.

Adults

One of the hardest parts for most highly sensitive people (HSPs) is their need to deeply connect with others and then have that reciprocated. Sometimes when meeting new people, they find it difficult to make small talk or trying to find common interests. This part of making friends is usually draining for most HSPs. Even though they intuitively know this is a necessary part of making or having friends. Check out this post on where to find friends.

The Need For Extra Downtime

Children

Children may struggle with this one the most because they do not have a lot of control over their schedules. Plus, most children I know have the fear of missing out syndrome. When they are playing with their friends, they will usually push through when they are tired or hungry. They ignore signs that they need to take a break. When this happens, it can lead to meltdowns and tantrums, usually over small things.

Teens

Developmentally, teens usually need more alone time. They need more down time and will often sleep more. They too have the fear of missing out syndrome and have a tendency to ignore when they need to take a break to rest and recharge. Many of them may find the normal school day exhausting and need extra time to rest and recover after school.

Adults

Another difficult part of making friends for HSPs is where to find friends. New situations can be overwhelming for HSPs. There can be quite a bit of anxiety attending a new social event or trying something new. If they do find an event to attend, they might feel drained afterwards and may resist going back a second time. They usually need extra downtime to recover from such a draining event. For example, I love being able to do things with friends but getting together once a month becomes too much for me. I’m usually very enthusiastic about it initially, but after several months it starts to feel like it’s too often. I also find during the winter months, it’s harder for me to want to be out in the evenings. Mainly because it gets dark so early and it’s cold.

The Need for Small Groups or 1:1

Children

Most HSP Children tend to fall into two categories. One category has one best friend and the second category has a lot of friends. Sometime HSP children will want to have one best friend that they do everything with. However, they tend to get jealous or feel rejected if that friend wants to have other friends. They may also struggle with wanting a lot of friends but needing at least one of those friends to be a “closer” friend. It may be difficult for them to find the one friend in the group to be closer to. They may again may feel a sense of rejection if that friend does things without inviting them to participate.

Teens

In my experience, teens tend to hang out in the same “cliques.” Many of the teens I work with will find their group early in high school. It is usually a group based on an extracurricular activity. They tend to spend most of their time with this group. When fractions develop within the group they find it difficult to navigate. They have a deep sense of loyalty to all the members of the group. Sometimes, they will have similar friends from middle school, and they will feel deeply loyal to these friends, even when they might make decisions that go against their personal core values. When this happens, teens find it especially difficult to let go of these friendships or to find a new group of friends.

Adults

Most HSPs I know prefer to interact in small groups or 1:1, rather than larger groups. This also has challenges. There is more pressure to make small talk initially when trying to get to know someone on a deeper level. On one hand, they want to be able to get to know someone better and feel more comfortable doing so in a smaller group. However, they also find it more difficult to carry on a conversation by finding common interests and making small talk. When they’re in larger groups, other people can carry the conversation, but they also find being in larger groups draining. It’s quite a conundrum!

Summary

The best advice I can give people when navigating friendships is to be patient with yourself as you figure it out. Making friends takes time. It can be difficult at any age. I also think it’s important to have good boundaries as you navigate friendships. That means don’t take things too personally. Give yourself some time as you figure it out. I believe we are made for community and having friends is vital to our mental health. Check out this post to find out more about friends and mental health.

Peace Family Counseling

I hope this helps you find the answer to questions you may have why friendships are important to our mental health. If you’re still feeling uneasy and unsure about this process, please feel to contact us. If you are feeling burned out, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief/loss, marriage/relationship issues, please feel free to contact us here. We’d be happy to hear what is happening.

We could help you find the right counselor to help you feel better quickly. You can also head over to our website to read our bios and request a specific therapist. Our physical office is located in Greenwood, Indiana and we offer teletherapy to anyone in the state of Indiana.