When to Let a Friendship Go

When to Let a Friendship Go

Last week I talked about how many Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) feel deeply loyal to friends and usually are very trusting. You can find that post here. I have many highly sensitive clients describe they are too trusting with friends and have difficulty knowing when they need to let a friendship go. I have others who cannot handle having someone mad at them. It causes their anxiety to go through the roof. They do everything they can to fix a friendship, even when it’s not good for them.

Friendships Have to Change

I’ve shared in an earlier blog post that I’ve moved to several states throughout my life. With each move, I’ve had to let some friendships go while trying to make new friends. This has always been a difficult transition for me. I long to stay connected with the friends I’m leaving behind but knowing the friendship will change.

One time I moved states and wanted to stay connected to a friend and co-worker. I remember talking to her on the phone in our new apartment. She said something along the lines of, “Now that you’re in another state, I don’t plan on staying friends since you’re so far away.” When she made this comment, I was deeply hurt and shocked that she was so straight forward about our friendship ending. I assume she probably felt like it was going to be too much work to try and stay in touch several states apart. But I don’t really know for sure. I didn’t like the fact that she didn’t want to try to stay friends. However, I respected the fact that she knew it might be too much work to be friends several states apart.

Looking back, I think she essentially was saying, “We had a good few years, and I wish you the best!”. Sixteen years later, I can appreciate how she just dropped the pretenses of even trying to maintain our long-distance friendship. But her “breaking up with me as friends” before we even tried was especially difficult for my HSP-self!

Friendships are Seasonal

What I know today that I didn’t know back then, is that friendships are seasonal. There are times that people come into your life for a short time. You have fun. Circumstances change and you go your separate ways. There are other times that friendships need to end because the person is unhealthy and/or unwilling to change and be a better friend.

Determining Whether or Not It’s Time to Let a Friendship Go

Here are a few things that might help you determine whether or not it’s time to let a friendship go:

When Your Values No Longer Align

I said in an earlier post (Where to Find Friends found here) the importance of having the same core values as those closest to you. This won’t ensure that you won’t have disagreements. However, it’s helpful to know their world view is similar to yours. Sometimes people’s core values change. This might be an indicator that it’s time to move on from the friendship. The most common times I have seen people change their values are between middle school and high school or high school and college. Sometimes they change after a major life change such as a divorce.

When the Friendship is No Longer Reciprocal (or never was!)

Life is difficult for all of us in different ways and at different times. Part of the beauty of friendships is that it provides us with a sense of community. We have people to help us when things get hard. I believe over the course of time; friendships should be pretty even as far as what you put in and what you get out of it. If you feel like you’re always the one giving, compromising or available for your friend and it is rarely or ever reciprocated, it might be time to move on from the friendship.

When They Can’t Take Feedback or Constructive Criticism

Similar to not having a reciprocal friendship is someone who cannot take constructive criticism. As much as we would like to have a friend who never messes up, we’re all human. Feelings get hurt unintentionally, or we forget a birthday or important anniversary. When feelings get hurt, a friend should be able to acknowledge how they hurt you or messed up. They should be able to own what part of the disagreement was their part. If not, this should be a red flag for the friendship.

Summary

While it’s a difficult decision on whether or not to let a friendship go, using these guidelines can be a start to help you figure it out. Another guide to helping you make this decision is the “3 strikes and you’re out.” While this doesn’t necessarily mean, three literal strikes. It should be a guide for how often they are engaging in emotionally unsafe behavior that leaves you feeling frustrated or confused. When this is happening often or very often, it might be time to put some distance between you and a friend. And just like one of my friends when I moved it can come with a, “It was a good ride and I wish you well!”

Peace Family Counseling

I hope this helps you find the answer to questions you may have about when to let a friendship go and how it may improve your mental health. If you’re still feeling uneasy about this process, please reach out to us. If you are feeling burned out, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief/loss, marriage/relationship issues, please feel free to contact us here. We’d be happy to hear what is happening.

We could help you find the right counselor to help you feel better quickly. You can also head over to our website to read our bios and request a specific therapist. Our physical office is located in Greenwood, Indiana and we offer teletherapy to anyone in the state of Indiana.