What to Do When Communication Breaks Down

Every couple misses each other sometimes. Not in the “I miss you when you travel” kind of way, but in the quiet, frustrating, sometimes painful way where you tried to connect and it just didn’t land. 

These misses are completely normal. But they can make you feel disconnected and discouraged. We wrote a blog found here on what to do when you feel like roommates. For the post, we are going to take it a step further to help you understand how to attune better to your spouse. 

Understanding Why We Miss Each Other

Most communication breakdowns in marriage aren’t about the thing you’re fighting about. They’re about feeling unseen, unheard, or dismissed, and both people are usually convinced the other one doesn’t care.

When we feel dismissed by the person we love most, something protective kicks in. We either pursue harder by getting louder, more urgent, more emotional, or we pull back and go quiet. Gottman calls these the pursuer and the withdrawer, and most couples have one of each.

Neither response is wrong. Both make complete sense, again usually based on our own childhood wounds. But when the pursuer keeps pursuing, and the withdrawer keeps withdrawing, the distance grows, and soon it starts to feel like you’re in completely different places on the map. 

Add to this the unhealed wounds each of you carried into the marriage. The places where you learned it wasn’t safe to need too much, or to show vulnerability, or to ask for something. And now you’re not just having an argument about dishes or schedules. Instead, you’re bumping up against something much older and much deeper. Like “I’m not good enough” or “I can’t do anything right.” 

The First Step: Lower the Temperature

Before any real reconnection can happen, both people need to come back to a regulated state. When our nervous systems are flooded (e.g., heart racing, jaw tight, feeling defensive), we literally cannot access the part of our brain that is able to be empathetic and problem solve. So, the first and most important step is to pause before you try to solve. 

This might mean saying, “I want to talk through this, but I need a break first. Can we give it twenty minutes and come back?” That’s not avoiding the conversation. That’s taking care of yourself so you can take care of each other.

Moving Toward Repair

Once things are calmer, the goal is not to win. The goal is to understand. This is where curiosity becomes one of the most powerful tools in your marriage. Instead of making a case for why you were right, try getting genuinely curious about your spouse’s experience. 

Here are some questions that might be helpful to ask: 

“Help me understand what was happening for you.” 

“What did you need from me in that moment that you didn’t get?”

Then be willing to name your own part. Whether or not we want to admit it, we all have contributed to a disagreement. The response here is not to take blame for everything, but to own the piece that was yours. 

Repair doesn’t have to be a big, formal conversation. Sometimes it’s as simple as reaching for your spouse’s hand and saying, “I don’t want to stay here.” Sometimes it’s a genuine “I’m sorry. I wasn’t hearing you.” Small repairs, done consistently, build a marriage that can weather almost anything.

Keep Coming Back to Each Other

Ecclesiastes 4:9 reminds us that two are better than one. Marriage was never designed to be easy, but it was designed to be a place of deep companionship and knowing and ideally healing. The couples I’ve watched grow the most are not the ones who never fight. They’re the ones who keep choosing to come back to each other and work on really seeing, hearing, and knowing their spouse.

You will miss each other, but don’t let the miss become add up to more and more misses. Get curious, repair, and keep trying.

Ready to Get Started? 

If you and your spouse have been feeling more like roommates than partners lately, it’s worth paying attention to, and it’s something that can change. Read more about couples counseling at Peace Family Counseling and how we can support you both.

You can schedule a free 15-minute phone call with our Intake Coordinator to find a therapist who would be the right fit for your needs and answer your questions. We’d love for you to follow us on social media for weekly encouragement and updates on our practice.