What Is Co-Regulation and Why Does it Help?

Co-Regulation

What is Co-regulation and why does it help your child? Co-regulation is a fancy word for helping your child calm down. Since children have difficulty calming down when frustrated, and can get there in .04 seconds, they usually can’t problem solve. That’s why they need you to help them calm down. I’ve just released a workbook for HSP Kids that will help parents and children identify their specific areas of high sensitivity and create a plan to help them calm down.

In the final section of the HSP workbook, I provide a Troubleshooting Guide for Parents. In this guide, I walk parents through 10 practical steps on how to help their highly sensitive child and their overwhelm. I’ll be expanding on each of the ideas in a series of blog posts. Here are 5 tips on Co-Regulation you can use when your child can’t regulate:

5 Tips on Co-Regulation

1. The Brain Hand

As a therapist and parent coach, one of the most valuable things I teach people is about what is happening in their brain when stress happens. Dr. Daniel Siegel created a “Brain Hand Model” which is an easy explanation of how the brain works when triggered. It’s invaluable in understanding what is happening in your brain and your child’s brain. The most important thing to remember is that the calmer amygdala (the part of your brain that is responsible for fight, flight or freeze) will calm the more reactive amygdala. Knowing this can be a game changer when things start to get hard. You can take a look at Dr. Daniel Siegel’s Brain Hand video or I’ve made my own here.

2. Deep Breaths

One of the quickest and best ways to get our brains “back online” is to use deep breathing. Take a deep breath in through your nose. Let the breath fill up your belly. Then exhale out through your mouth. Let your chest and shoulders relax. This calms the amygdala. Allowing your senses to signal your brain that there is not any actual danger and provides a good reset. The best part about deep breaths is the more you use it, the better it works! When you’re taking deep breaths in order to remain calm, you don’t have to tell your child to take deep breaths with you. They probably won’t willingly anyway! It will signal their nervous system to calm down and begin syncing their breath to yours.

3. Sensory Input

Many children have some kind of sensory input that is soothing to them. For example, one child liked his back and head scratched, while the other needed his feet rubbed or a big bear hug. Physical touch and pressure can be good resets for you and your child. It’s a good idea to talk about what physical touch and pressure feels safe for your child. Also whether or not this would be helpful when they’re starting to get agitated. Sometimes children do not want to be touched at all and this can escalate a situation quickly. Other times, you’re too agitated to provide it! So it’s good to be able to work this out before the next crisis arises.

4. Notice What’s Happening

Sometimes it’s helpful for children for you to identify what is happening for them. For example, if they struggle with homework night after night. Have a discussion with them about why they think this might be happening. Work together to problem solve. Be flexible and willing to try a few things until you find the right combination. Just know there might be a few evenings that will require using ALL of the techniques! You can start the discussion by saying, “I noticed you’re having trouble staying focused on your homework every night. What are some things we can do to help make this easier?” Or if they’re struggling in another area you can say, “I noticed you’re having trouble zipping your jacket, let me know if you get stuck.” I like using the “let me know if you get stuck” phrase. It helps children feel empowered to problem solve first.

5. Change Physical Locations

This one might seem like the most confusing. When a crisis is happening, our brains go into survival mode. When we change physical locations it can help signal our brain to come out of survival mode. For example, if you’re standing up, sit down. If you’re in the living room, move to the kitchen, etc. I don’t encourage people to use this strategy without communicating clearly what’s happening. It can look like avoidance if you leave a room, so make sure to communicate clearly. I do encourage parents to say, “I’m going to go to the kitchen and get a drink of water, to calm down for a minute. When I get back, we will continue to talk about this.” Obviously, this technique does not work as well with toddlers and younger but it’s good to keep in mind as children age.

Peace Family Counseling

I hope this helps you implement practical ways you can use co-regulation with your child.  If you would like more support in parenting your highly sensitive child,  please feel free to contact us. If you are feeling burned out, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief/loss, marriage/relationship issues, please feel free to contact us here. We’d be happy to hear what is happening.

We could help you find the right counselor to help you feel better quickly. You can also head over to our website to read our bios and request a specific therapist. Our physical office is located in Greenwood, Indiana and we offer teletherapy to anyone in the state of Indiana.