The 4 Elements Every Healthy Relationship Needs

Let me start by saying that overall, I had a very good childhood and relationship with my parents and siblings. I was the youngest of four children. My voice wasn’t always heard or my opinions may not have even mattered in a family that big. I wasn’t the loudest amongst my siblings. I certainly didn’t have strength compared to my siblings because of my age.

In spite of this, I did find ways to get my needs met. I mostly tried to be sweet and cute-only to my parents-I’ve been told I was a brat to my siblings (who wasn’t as a child?).

Early Childhood Experiences Shape Our Relationships

While we aren’t always aware of how these early childhood experiences shape our communication with others, attachment research shows they can have profound and impact on how we communicate and respond to others.

Even today, and I’ve been married awhile. I find that I tend to fall back into some old patterns of communication that stem from my childhood. For example, when I’m feeling misunderstood + tired, I shut down. I have a difficult time feeling like I can make my voice or opinions known.

Communication Within Relationships

While communication is not usually the reason people call our office for help. It is something that nearly every therapist works on with their clients. We are social beings, and communication is part of our survival. We have conversations with ourselves, our partners, friends, co-workers, children, etc. Communication affects every part of our lives. At the same time, I don’t think we know how attachment and communication are connected.

4 Elements for Healthy Relationship

Daniel Siegel, a researcher known for his work on attachment said that people need to feel:

Seen

Soothed

Safe

Secure

These are the four S’s in a relationship. Here are definitions of each:

Seen

You will be seen. Others will know, understand and acknowledge you for who you are. You will feel recognized by others for your unique qualities. They care about your inner world and your experiences.

Being seen in a relationship makes you feel valued for your authentic self rather than an idealized version of you.

Soothed

You feel comfort and calm, especially during times of distress. By their presence, words, actions, others will acknowledge and gently ease your emotional pain.

Your sense of peace is restored by being soothed in a relationship. It makes you feel that you are not alone and that you can handle life’s difficult circumstances.

Safe

Safe from physical, emotional, or psychological harm. It means you can be vulnerable without fear of judgment, retaliation, or abandonment. You trust that your wellbeing is a priority in the relationship.

Being safe in a relationship allows you to know that the other person is available to you with the best of their ability when you need them.

Secure

Having confidence in the stability and reliability of the relationship. It means trusting that the other person’s commitment is steady and enduring, giving you a foundation of certainty.

Being secure in a relationship allows you to relax and be yourself without constant worry about the relationship’s future.

Summary

The four elements – being seen, soothed, safe, and secure – will form the foundation of healthy communication and relationships. When we can show up for others in this way and when they show up for us in this way it builds empathy, trust and intimacy.

The great news about these four basic ways to show up for ourselves and others, is that even if you did not get these in your childhood, you can learn them as an adult. When you learn them and use them in your relationships, it will transform your connection with others.

Peace Family Counseling

If you recognize that these foundational elements are missing in your important relationships, or if you’d like support in developing better communication patterns, therapy can be an invaluable space to explore and practice these skills. After all, feeling truly seen, soothed, safe, and secure isn’t just a childhood need.  It’s a human need that continues throughout our lives.

If you’re interested in learning more about attachment and how it might be showing up in your relationship, check out the blog posts found here and here.

Peace Family Counseling is located in Greenwood, Indiana, and available virtually in the state of Indiana. If you’re ready to start therapy this summer, we’d love to hear from you so we can join you on your journey to healing. To connect with us, click here and one of our therapists will be in touch to see if one of our therapists will be the right fit for you.