Setting the Stage for the Stages of Grief

Kubler-Ross Model of Stages of Grief

If you ever have done any research with grief at all, you have probably seen the Kubler-Ross model of the stages of grief. This model has been widely held as the gold standard for how humans process grief. The initially proposed and popularized phases were:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

While there are benefits to the fact that this has been widely spread, it also has created some misunderstandings and misapplications of this tool. The danger is that it can be used as a one-size-fits-all blueprint for every individual situation. It has even been used as a weapon against others who are taking “too long” to grieve or not doing it “right”. The truth is that this model can be incredibly helpful. But it may be necessary to clarify how to better understand and use this model.

Clarifying Intentions Behind the Stages of Grief

The first important thing to note is that the stages of grief are not a formula for how to predict what someone will do in grief, or what the “proper” way to grieve might be. This was simply a tool to help people not feel alone or crazy in their grief.  It should help others have a greater appreciation of what they may be experiencing.

Since then, there have been a few minor additions and tweaks to these stages of grief. Currently, my personal favorite model is:

• shock/denial
• guilt/pain
• anger/bargaining
• depression/loneliness
• testing
• acceptance/hope

These stages are helpful signposts, but they are not laws. These stages provide a guide that helps us all realize that we are not as alone as we think we are when it comes to the feelings and movements of grief. Many people are shocked and ashamed when they feel angry while they grieve, or maybe they do not know how to express the guilt they have felt since the loss of someone close to them. These stages help demystify the often surprising, and many times overwhelming, moments in grief.

When the Stages of Grief Don’t Work Right

The stages of grief are often presented in a linear fashion – starting with shock and ending with acceptance. However, the process is often more cyclical than it is linear. This can create some tension as someone may find themselves frustrated that they can’t seem to figure out how their grieving maps out. The truth is that since it is just a reference for grief, you may experience these stages in random order, skip a stage entirely, you will almost for sure repeat stages, and you may even experience more than one stage at once. There is not a correct way to go through the stages but simply to remember that each person’s grief is uniquely theirs and should be treated as such.

Walking With Others Through the Stages

Because the stages of grief are cyclical and are unique to each individual, it is important to give grace to others and ourselves as we grieve. I imagine that there have been moments that we all have been angry with ourselves for feeling or doing certain things, especially in grief. Grief is normal and healthy. Yet, it doesn’t always fit the timetable that we, our employers, or even our family members anticipate.

One of the most common divisions in families is the unique ways each person grieves. We so often can become critical of others for how they may be grieving, whether too much or too little, or even if they are simply in a different stage. Giving grace to everyone in this process and listening to each other is necessary to grieve in a healthy way.

Two things are important to remember to help people grieve in a healthy way:

1. No matter where you find yourself or what stage of grief you may be in, do not be afraid to admit where you are and what you are feeling.
2. Give grace to yourself and to others as we all walk through these painful moments together.

Peace Family Counseling

If you find yourself struggling with grief and wondering where to go. Please reach out to us and we will schedule you with one of our counselors. We would love to walk together with you through your journey. It is okay and good for you to ask for help.