Porn is a Symptom  

Introduction to Pornography or Porn

In a world where digital content is at our fingertips, pornography has become an increasingly prevalent and contentious issue. This blog post identifies the complex relationship between shame, guilt, and pornography consumption. We’ll explore why simply condemning porn use may be counterproductive. Understanding the underlying emotions can lead to more effective conversations and solutions. By examining porn not as the root problem, but as a symptom of deeper issues, we can approach this sensitive topic with empathy and insight.

In case you missed it, we encourage you to check out first blog post on porn, and how it effects mental health here.

Introduction to Shame

Think back to when you were a child. Perhaps you did something that you knew was wrong or perhaps you just tried something out and got a larger than expected reaction from a caretaker. They may have said something like, “shame on you!”

But what is shame anyway? It is a feeling most, if not all of us know very intimately but not one that is easy to put into words. It is the drop in the pit of the stomach that causes us to pull away from others and fear our own decisions.

The Difference Between Shame & Guilt

A distinction I often cover in therapy is to consider the difference between shame and guilt.

Guilt is a healthy response, albeit not enjoyable, whenever we make a mistake. Healthy guilt causes us to take action by going and apologizing to someone else or taking the appropriate steps to learn from our mistake and not do it again.

On the other hand, shame is unhealthy guilt. Shame takes the realization that we made a mistake to believing that we are a mistake.

It takes a choice and makes it our identity.

This internalization of guilt leads to inaction rather than the healthy action of guilt. If someone believes that they are a mistake, they are much more likely to give up trying to be any better, and they may try to retreat or hide more rather than seek forgiveness or change.

This means that healthy guilt leads to increased community through vulnerability and growth while shame leads to isolation and suffering in darkness.

Understanding Shame Helps Us Understand Pornography Use

With this understanding of shame, we turn our conversation to the conversation about pornography often referred to simply as porn. Porn is something that oftentimes is approached with the utmost repulsion and disgust, especially in the religious world. Porn is any written, visual, or auditory stimulus designed to elicit sexual arousal. If porn is even talked about, it is often avoided or shamed, if it is even discussed. Because of this, people continue to battle this addiction alone all the while feeling a great sense of shame about who they are and not knowing where to turn for help.

Porn Myth #1: Porn is a “Man’s Issue”

Often when it is discussed, it is said to be a “man’s issue” or only talked about in men’s groups.

While it is difficult to get exact numbers on porn use, one study has shown that as many as

• 9 out of 10 men view porn
• 6 out of 10 women view porn in the past month

Believing this is just a man’s issue also leads more women to feel shame who struggle with pornography.

According to this research, it means what we have is a human issue not a man’s issue. It also means that the current approach to shaming porn use is not working.

What we know about shame is that it drives people to further isolation, even becoming apathetic in their ability to change or seek forgiveness. Why? Because they begin believing that they are the mistake and have no hope of redemption.

Summary

Pornography is a complex issue that affects people across gender lines and backgrounds. By recognizing porn as a symptom rather than the core problem, we open the door to more constructive dialogue and effective solutions. The key lies in addressing the underlying emotions, particularly shame, that often fuel addictive behaviors. Instead of perpetuating cycles of shame and isolation, we can foster environments of understanding, support, and healthy guilt that encourage positive change.

As we move forward in addressing pornography use over the next several blog posts, our goal is to focus on creating spaces for more open communication, empathy and healing. These approaches are proven to have the power to truly transform lives and relationships.

Reference:

Solano, I., Eaton, N. R., & O’Leary, K. D. (2020). Pornography Consumption, Modality and Function in a Large Internet Sample. Journal of sex research, 57(1), 92–103.