Our Past Permeates Our Present Perception

Does our past permeate our present perception? If you lived in central Indiana in the Winter of 2024, eclipse glasses were everywhere. If you wanted to view the eclipse clearly you had to wear the goofy looking glasses. The glasses greatly impacted how we could see the world around us and had a very specific purpose. During the four-minute eclipse, the world didn’t really change much. Many people reported feeling “funny” or “different” for those few minutes. Strange things happened in the middle of the day. Birds went silent. The sky gradually grew dark. The air felt heavier for those few moments. This experience felt dramatic and life changing in those four minutes.  However, nothing about our lives or ourselves changed in that short period of time.

Past Experiences Change Present

But not all past experiences are like that, and some experiences do have the power to change our present dramatically. Pornography is one of those experiences. Typically, people report to me that their first exposure of pornography happened by accident. They are curious about something they heard or read, so sought it out. And at the moment, it may have seemed that such a brief encounter would not have the power to change the person or even their identity, but research tells us otherwise. Even things that we think may not initially think will be dangerous, can become harmful to our mental and physical well-being.

Sex and Intimacy

Sex and intimacy would fall into this category. When we can follow God’s plan for us for sex and intimacy in a marriage it can be fulfilling and healthy. But we all know how sex can be used in harmful ways towards others and the devastation that brings when it happens.

As a Christian, I believe that all things that are considered evil often come from a desire that was originally good. For instance:

• Anxiety can come from a desire to be wise and aware of potential danger.
• Gluttony can come from a desire to enjoy the blessings to their fullness.
• Anger can come from a desire to combat an injustice.
• And even lust often comes from a deeper desire. To feel desired even if it is just for a moment through a screen.

Since the beginning of time, Satan has taken what was meant for good and slightly twisted it to create havoc and pain. Sex is a good example of this. In the Old Testament, God created sex (see Genesis 2:24) and told Adam and Eve to be fruitful (Genesis 1:28). You don’t have to read very far into the Old Testament to see how sex was used for evil rather than good many, many times.

The Difference Between Lust and Attraction

A quick note before we dive into lust. There is a big different between attraction and lust.

Attraction is a natural part of creation. Some people will perceive others as attractive. This attraction is unique to each individual. However, attraction only becomes lustful when the thought of the other person’s body or potential sexual behaviors is dwelt on for sexual arousal.

The spectrum that I often discuss in therapy is the difference from attraction to temptation. Then crossing the line into lust often followed by an action. We do not need to live in fear of having attractions. We need to be aware of our temptations to lust.

Since the difference between lust and attraction is all cleared up, let’s take a closer look at some more myths about pornography. In case you missed it, Porn Myth #1 can be found here.

Porn Myth #2: Lust is Not a Problem

Even in Jesus’ times, we can assume that people were dealing with some of the same patterns and questions we face today when dealing with temptations of sex and lust. Jesus speaks of lust in Matthew 5:27-28, and tells people that it’s not just the sexual sin of adultery that is the problem, but it is what’s happening in the heart before anything sexual happens. And adultery begins with lust.

Jesus was addressing a heart issue not just the physical act of adultery. As usual, Jesus was teaching people that the heart issue must be addressed first and foremost when dealing with sin, specifically sexual sin as he taught in these verses. He cautioned them to address the underlying issue of lust when a wandering gaze occurs rather than focusing on the outcome of lust, which leads to adultery.

These verses apply to the issues that porn causes us today. I believe looking at any human in a longing way or viewing inappropriate sexual images of any human fits this definition of lust. And to address the rapidly growing number of people who are viewing porn or becoming addicted to porn we must look at what’s going on in the heart.

Heart Issue Present

I propose that our inner thoughts, lust patterns, and actions mirror something deeper in our souls and reflect a heart issue. Lust is a longing for something we cannot have. Perhaps even the fear that you will be rejected by someone you love, or you will never have intimacy with someone who wants and desires you.

I believe the heart issue for all people is the deep need to be wanted and desired by another. The specific presentations of this deep desire to be known and wanted by another is going to be unique to you. You will personally need to examine this in order to make a lasting heart change.

Abandonment Past or Present

Oftentimes these feelings of not being wanted or desired come up because we have or are being abandoned in some way. This can either be emotionally or physically. This abandonment can happen in very obvious ways or even in very subtle ways.  These can even be from events that you do not specifically recall.

Parents, teachers, friends, or anyone we interact with in our lives can cause this abandonment either intentionally or unintentionally. Attachment research shows that in order to resolve this pain, we will repeat patterns.  Patterns develop in childhood as a way to protect or  make sense of the world. When we engage in these behaviors, this is a maladaptive coping skill. This coping skill developed because it served a purpose to protect you or help you survive a possible chaotic childhood. As an adult, you no longer need this skill to protect you, yet you still use it. Thus, it’s maladaptive.

Summary

This information does not serve as a goal to slander or blame your parents or others for your current behavior. It should be information to help you.  Start by being honest with yourself about the root of your shame or abandonment.

In working with people who are viewing porn regularly, or to the point that it is interfering with their daily life or relationships or have an addiction it’s important to keep these things in mind. These porn behaviors started for a reason. The behaviors are maladaptive and the heart issues must be addressed, named and processed. It’s okay to ask for help, and not just from a professional. Check out our blog post here on asking for help.

Peace Family Counseling

If you find yourself struggling with pornography or lust, know that you’re not alone. I’d love for you to consider working with me. I can help you explore the underlying issues and develop healthier ways of coping with your emotions and desires. With patience, self-reflection, and a willingness to address the heart of the matter, it’s possible to break free from the cycle of shame. You can find true fulfillment in relationships as God intended.