Improving Communication If Partner Struggles with Addiction Part 1

Communication in relationships affected by addiction is difficult for everyone. It requires a delicate balance.

The partner not struggling with substance use needs to be able to express concerns while avoiding patterns that might enable continued substance use or create additional conflict.

The partner focusing on sobriety needs to be able to hear these concerns without feeling additional shame and guilt. And being able to effectively engage in their programs for sobriety and the marriage. Additionally, the stressors of everyday life can contribute to difficulties in roles and responsibilities within the home and caring for the children.

Because we know it’s so difficult to navigate these challenges, we know that learning effective communication strategies can be helpful in protecting your relationship and your sobriety.

The Communication Challenges of Addiction

Addiction often warps communication patterns in relationships.

The person struggling with addiction may:

• Become defensive
• Lie to avoid consequences
• Feel shame about how the addiction is affecting the relationship
• Avoid having difficult conversations
• Shut down emotionally

The partner not struggling with addiction

As a result, the partner not struggling with addiction may resort to do everything needed around the home to manage the children and household duties. Or get so frustrated that they resort to nagging, interrogating, or walking on eggshells to avoid triggering conflict.

Cyclical Communication Patterns

These patterns create a cycle where honest, productive conversation becomes nearly impossible. When difficult conversations are avoided, they become like rocks in a backpack. Overtime, that backpack will be too difficult to carry.

While this is a typical cycle for couples, each couple has their own unique relationship dynamics and cycles. Oftentimes, the roots of these triggers and conflict avoidance stem from childhood attachment wounds. See more on childhood attachment found here.

Because these patterns can be subtle it can be difficult to identify these on your own, individual or marriage counseling can be helpful in getting to the root of your reactions.  Understanding these communication patterns as well as seeking professional help are the first steps toward developing healthier communication habits that support both individuals in the relationship.

The Foundation: Healthy Communication

Healthy communication should include being able to express your wants and needs without attacking your partner’s character or triggering an unhealthy communication cycle. Unfortunately, many of us are not taught healthy communication skills. While there are a number of good approaches, we like to keep it simple by focusing on these four key elements.

4 Key Elements to Healthy Communication

1. Observation

Describe specific behaviors without judgment or interpretation.

Instead of saying: “You never help with the dishes.”

Try saying: “I noticed there are a number of things after dinner that I could use your help with. How do you feel like you can help after dinner?”

2. Feelings

Express your emotions using feeling words rather than thoughts disguised as feelings.

Instead of saying: “I feel like you don’t care about our family.”

Try saying: “I feel worried that you are making other things more of a priority than our family. What do you think needs to change so that we can both get what we need?”

3. Needs

Identify the underlying need behind your feeling.

Instead of saying: “I need to feel secure in our relationship.” or “I need honest communication between us.”

Try saying: “When you don’t tell me where you’re going or when you’ll be back, I feel worried that something bad happened to you. What can we do about this so that we’re both getting our needs met?”

4. Requests

Make specific, actionable requests rather than demands.

Instead of saying: “You need to start helping with the yard work.”

Try saying: “It would be helpful if we could come up with a plan on how to handle the household chores. What are some thoughts you have on how we can make things feel more fair?”

Other Keys to Healthy Communication

A few more words about healthy communication. Each of the above examples ended with a question. This allows your partner something to respond to and hopefully helps them feel less attacked.

It’s important to remember that when things change in a relationship (e.g., new house, new jobs, sobriety, additional children, etc.), the marriage needs and responsibilities will also need to adjust to these changes. We call this renegotiation. That means if you all went into the marriage with one of you making dinner and the other one cleaning up, but a few years down the road, one of you gets a job that makes them get home later, it is time to renegotiate this responsibility or expectation.

Setting Boundaries Through Communication

Healthy boundaries are essential when addiction affects your relationship, and clear communication is how you establish and maintain them. Effective boundary-setting involves:

1. Being specific

Vague boundaries are difficult to enforce.

Instead of saying: “I won’t tolerate your drinking,”

Try saying: “If you come home intoxicated, I will sleep in the guest room and we will discuss the situation the next day when you’re sober.”

2. Focusing on your actions

You can only control your own behavior, so frame boundaries around what you will do rather than what you expect your partner to do.

Instead of saying: “If you relapse, you will go to counseling.”

Try saying: “If you relapse, we will have to discuss next steps with getting more help.”

3. Following through consistently

Boundaries without consequences become empty threats that actually damage trust further.

Instead of saying: “If you come home drunk again, you will have to go live with your parents.” (especially if you have no intention of asking them to leave the house)

Try saying: “If you come home drunk again, we will have to discuss other living arrangements.”

Conclusion

Using and getting comfortable with using these communication strategies will take time. Especially if you feel guilty for making boundaries or using healthy communication. We encourage you to give yourself time to learn these techniques because they will make a big difference in improving your communication with each other.

Peace Family Counseling is Here to Help

While some couples can navigate trust rebuilding on their own, professional guidance often proves invaluable. A therapist who specializes in addiction and relationships can help both partners understand the dynamics at play, develop healthy communication patterns, and work through the complex emotions involved in recovery. We have several therapists at Peace Family Counseling who can provide you with the support you need whether individually or for couple’s counseling.

Please feel free to contact us here. We’d be happy to hear what is happening. We could help you find the right counselor to help you feel better quickly. You can also head over to our website to read our bios and request a specific therapist. Our physical office is located in Greenwood, Indiana and we offer teletherapy to anyone in the state of Indiana.

Group therapy or support groups for couples affected by addiction can also provide valuable perspective and community during this challenging time. Celebrate Recovery is a national organization with meetings in the greater Indianapolis area. You can find out more on Celebrate Recovery here. There’s a dynamic recovery group that meets at Mt. Gilead Christian Church in Mooresville on Monday nights. You can find out more information about this group here.