How Technology Is Affecting Your Family’s Emotional Health

The last time I flew, I noticed that barely anyone was talking on the plane before it took off. I know this ages me some, but when I used to fly, there would be nonstop chatter all around me on the airplane. People making connections with others, even for a few minutes before the plane took off. The last time I flew a few months ago, there was hardly anyone talking to each other. I think the days of talking to strangers might be slowly slipping away because almost everyone, everywhere at all times is distracted by a device. 

I’m not just noticing this disconnection among strangers at the airport. I’m also noticing this distraction slipping into the heart of modern family life. We carry devices that can connect us to anyone on the planet in seconds and yet many families have never felt more disconnected from each other. In fact, studies on attachment are showing that adults with secure attachment style are dropping. 

Most of our daily rhythms used to include car rides with no devices, or dinners with the TV off but it is normal now for many of us to always have devices with us with no breaks. I call this the technology creep. Those spaces that we once had for conversation are now filled with notifications, distractions, earbuds and screens. 

If you follow us on social media or read our blogs, you know technology is one of the things we talk about often here at Peace Family Counseling. That’s because we know how big of a negative impact technology is having on all our lives. My hope is that by writing about the dangers of technology, you and your family will be encouraged to make some minor or major changes to how you use it. 

We Are All Made for Connection 

Human beings are wired for relationships. From the moment we’re born, our nervous systems are designed to regulate through connection with other people. We create this connection through eye contact, touch, tone of voice, and shared experiences.

When babies have a secure attachment with caregivers, it creates a secure attachment style. Ideally, they will carry this security into all of their relationships as they grow. While this connection is vital for babies to develop secure attachment, connection and attachment are something all humans need, no matter their age. 

According to the attachment research (Dan Siegel), relationships need the Four S’s:

• Seen
• Soothed
• Safe
• Secure 

When these four S’s are met with consistency and predictability, secure attachments develop. 

When those cues for connection are consistently replaced by screens and distractions, real connection is lost. For a longer post on the four S’s, check out our blog post found here.

Children whose bids for attention are met with a distracted parent don’t just feel ignored in the moment; over time, they stop reaching out. They learn to self-soothe through devices rather than relationships. They learn to distract instead of sit with their feelings. And they learn to expect a shallower level of connection from others. And unfortunately, they carry these patterns into adulthood and all their relationships. 

This information isn’t just about children either. We also know that when these needs are not met within a marriage, the marriage suffers. Couples who use phones during shared time together report lower relationship satisfaction. Even when both partners are doing it.

Connection matters. For all people. 

What Research Is Telling Us

Social media and devices have been around long enough for researchers to have some good idea of how being this connected is affecting humans and the data is sobering. 

Adolescents who spend more time on social media report higher rates of anxiety, depression, sleep disorder, obesity and loneliness (PubMed Central). According to the World Health Organization, half of all mental health disorders begin before age 14 (APA). Too much screen time and multitasking with media has been linked to worse executive functioning and academic performance (PubMed Central).

Parents’ screen use matters too. Research found that more parental screen use in the presence of a child was related to slower motor, language, and social-emotional development. Conversely, children whose parents did not use devices around them demonstrated stronger developmental patterns (Children & Nature Network).

The issue isn’t technology itself. It’s what technology displaces when it becomes the default presence in a home, in the car, on an airplane or waiting in line. 

The Emotional Costs We Don’t Always Name

Loneliness inside a family is one of the most painful and least-discussed experiences in counseling offices. A teenager who feels like a burden rather than a delight. A spouse who has stopped sharing the real things because they’ve learned their partner isn’t really listening. A parent who realizes that they don’t know what their child is struggling with because they are too distracted to ask, or their child is too distracted to talk. 

Technology doesn’t create these ruptures on its own. But it widens them, quietly and consistently, when it replaces the small moments of attunement that hold families together.

What Families Can Do

The goal isn’t to eliminate technology but rather to be more intentional about how and when it is used in the home and while in public. 

If you notice this is a problem in your family. Start small. The dinner table, the first thirty minutes after school, the hour before bed. Choose one space and make it genuinely screen-free. Like the phones have to be in time-out in a different room, screen-free-zone. 

Have an honest family conversation. Ask your kids what they think about the family’s technology use. Be brave and even ask them what they think about your phone use. Their answers may surprise you. Children are remarkably perceptive about when they have a parent’s attention and when they don’t.

Model what you want to see. If you want your teenager to put the phone down at the table, you have to do it first. Leadership in the family always flows from the adults.

Spend time in nature even if it’s just walking your neighborhood. Research demonstrates that more time in nature may reduce mental health issues associated with screen time (Children & Nature Network).

A Note of Hope

Families are resilient. Relationships can be rebuilt. The research that shows technology’s impact on connection also shows that small, consistent moments of genuine presence can reverse the drift. Which means if you take the time to make small changes, made daily, it will make a difference over time. 

Peace Family Counseling is Here to Help

If you’re running on empty and your relationships are feeling the cost of it, counselors at Peace Family Counseling, LLC, in Greenwood, IN, and Martinsville, IN, can help you slow things down and gain clarity to reconnect with what matters most. Read bios of our counselors here.

How We Can Help

We would love to help you get to the root of your symptoms so you can feel better and restore peace to your life and relationship. Contact us today: 317-881-0409 or online with our contact us form.