How A Married Couple Can Thrive Through Transitions

Over my 28 years of marriage, the most difficult times as a couple have been through major transitions. My husband and I can usually weather the planning and implementing stages of an upcoming change pretty well. It’s the establishing of a new routine and renegotiating roles and expectations of each other that is usually more difficult.

Transition Examples as a Married Couple

Here are a few transitions my husband and I as a married couple have had to navigate over our 28-year marriage:

• Moving 7 times, including 3 states
• The birth of children, two times
• Post-partum depression
• Buying 3 houses
• Buying 15 different cars
• Going to graduate school
• 8 different job changes between us
• Raising children
• Being an influence on our now adult children

….and more

And this list isn’t even close to being exhaustive for most people and don’t include things such as financial stress, divorce, remarriage, unemployment, health issues, retirement, caring for elderly parents and a dozen more that aren’t named here. While some of these changes can be anticipated and planned for, many others are surprising and unexpected. Even though it feels difficult at the time, we believe life’s struggles can help couples grow closer and tackle problems together.

Tools To Use as a Married Couple to Navigate Transitions:

Here are some tools you can use to navigate life’s transitions:

Remember Your Core Values

When life is difficult, it’s a good reminder to return to your core values. Luke Harty, LCSW wrote a great blog post found here for helping couples build trust and communication. When you are able to identify the core value that is not being honored or heard in your marriage, it can give you the right language to talk through what’s bothering you, and how to fix it.

Renegotiate

Throughout my marriage, my husband and I have had to renegotiate many things to make our days run smoother. When I was working part-time, I did all of the meal planning, grocery shopping and fixing dinners. When I started working full-time, we had to renegotiate how my husband could help lighten this load. My husband didn’t like how I did the laundry, so we had to {sadly} renegotiate that he would do all of it.

Just because you agreed to do certain things at the beginning of your marriage or a transition, doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. Be willing to have open and honest communication about what’s not working and honor one another by be willing to fix it.

Prioritize Your Relationship

I can’t emphasize this enough! You absolutely have to make your relationship a priority. You had each other before you had kids, and you’ll have each other after the kids leave (if you prioritized each other). This means you absolutely have to have good boundaries around your work and how you contribute at home. When I work with individuals who are having difficulty in their marriage, the number one thing they tell me they are missing is CONNECTION with their spouse. They don’t need their partner to do more, be better or be a better listener-though connection may include these things-they need their spouse to be AVAILABLE. That means giving your spouse your undivided attention on a regular basis.

Be Flexible and Patient

Change is hard and everyone will work through transitions on their own timetable. I remember after our first child was born; it took me an entire year to adjust to this change. Meanwhile, my husband adjusted within 2 weeks. We each had to be willing to adjust our expectations and routines of each other during this time.

Maintain Good Boundaries

One of the main parts of my job is to teach people when and how to implement boundaries. It is a good reminder that boundaries should be created to protect, not keep out. This means you may need to maintain good boundaries with leaving work on time, following through on your commitments to your family, not overcommitting to things, and having time for yourself to rest and recharge.

Take Time to Celebrate and Reflect

This is one area of life that I don’t think we spend enough time on doing. We need to take time to reflect on how these transitions change us and made us stronger. I am a firm believer in all of our life experiences, even hard ones have meaning and purpose. When I take the time to reflect and celebrate what I learned and how I grew, it provides good information and reminders for the next time I encounter a major transition or change.

Married Couple: Transitions are a Journey

Remember that every married couple’s journey is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to handling change. Be patient with yourselves and each other as you navigate new territory. With love, understanding, and a willingness to adapt, you can emerge from each transition with a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Transitions are an inevitable part for a married couple, but they don’t have to be sources of conflict or disconnection. By approaching changes with remembering your core values, renegotiation, connection and celebration, couples can not only survive but thrive through life’s transitions. Embrace the journey, support each other unconditionally, and look forward to the growth and deeper connection that can arise from successfully navigating life’s transitions as a team.

Peace Family Counseling

Peace Family Counseling is available if you are struggling as a married couple with transitions.  We would love to assist you in your journey.  Please check out our counselors here and if you would rather talk to someone, you can fill out the contact us form here.