Do You Have an Intentional Marriage?

 One of the roles I have as a parent is to be a good model for my children. I know my children are watching me and my husband in our marriage. How we handle conflict, how we talk to one another and how intentional we are in prioritizing one another. We are doing our best to model an intentional marriage “on purpose for a purpose.”

The purpose is the goal of helping them know what a good marriage should look like when and if they get married. In our blog post, found here, we talk about how intentional marriages require preparation, intentionality and purpose.

What Is An Intentional Marriage?

An intentional marriage is a bond where the couple actively and intentionally work to build and maintain their relationship. It is prioritizing the other person. Setting goals together and actively working on their communication, connection. Supporting each other through the many challenges of marriage. Courtship allows preparation prior to marriage. It helps to understand each other and know how each person will react in times of smooth sailing, conflict or change.  Intentional marriage involves a commitment to each other, to learn each other’s styles, needs, and desires.  It encourages growing together as a couple and developing skills and tactics to navigate changes and challenges together.

What Contributions Are You Making To Conflict?

When conflicts arise in marriage, it’s easy to point the finger at the other person. It is easier to point out what they did wrong and how they hurt you. It is much more difficult to take an honest look at how you might be contributing to the issues in the marriage.

Some things to consider when trying to discern how you are contributing to conflict might include asking yourself these questions:

• What was my tone and body language conveying?
• Did I need to be clearer about what my boundaries were in this situation?
• How did the fight trigger things from my past?

It’s difficult to identify your part in the conflict or what you need to fix or change in order for things to improve. It will require reflection and intentionality on your part to assist to make things better.

What Steps Can You Take to Be More Intentional in Improving Your Marriage?

Just like it’s important to understand how you’re contributing to conflict in your marriage, it’s also important to take an inventory of what needs to change for your relationship to improve. It’s important to remember that taking even small steps to intentionally improve your relationship is helpful in healing your marriage.

Here are some questions that we hope will help you figure out the small steps you need to take to intentionally improve your relationship.

• What do I want to be different or true about this relationship that is currently not evident?
• What do we need to change?
• Where are we stuck?
• What difficulties are needing to be addressed so that growth can occur?
• How do we handle conflict when it occurs?
• How are our relationships with our family and friends?
• Are we having the same argument that we had a year or five years ago?

Was there anything obvious that stood out from your answers to these questions? My guess is that lack of good communication was a theme. Communication is one of the number one reasons couples come to marriage counseling-so it’s normal to have communication difficulties.

Improving Communication

If it became obvious from your answers above, that healthy communication is the new goal in your relationship, I would encourage you to start with the small goal of focusing on something you can control and that is achievable today.

Some questions to ask that might help you get started are:

• How can I show my partner love today with their love language in mind?
• How can I show gratitude toward them today?
• How can I demonstrate my love by doing something that I know my partner does not want to do?

Our Past Affects Communication

You are one of the biggest barriers to healthy communication. That doesn’t mean it is completely your responsibility to always communicate clearly. It does mean that you need to do your own work so that you deal with your past hurts and triggers. This quote from Father Richard Rohr summarizes this concept beautifully,

What isn’t transformed is transmitted.

When conflict arises, I ask my clients to be curious about what they are thinking and feeling. It is important that we all take an honest inventory of the stories we are telling ourselves when difficulties arise in relationships.

For example, if you always felt like you had to do everything on your own as a child because the adults in your life did not help you, this could be the story you tell yourself about your spouse (or any other important relationship). If you ask your spouse to do something, and they don’t get it done, you might tell yourself, “I have to do everything myself!”

While this may true, it’s important to ask yourself:

• Is this really true?
• Is there another explanation for why they couldn’t help me this time?
• Is this a pattern or a one-time event?
• Is there a time in my past when this happened to me, where I felt like I had to do everything myself?

While it’s difficult to do this in the moment, if you take time at the end of the day to reflect on your day, you can usually figure out why you had such a strong emotional reaction to this event. That’s why we encourage people to spend a few minutes at the end of each day reflecting on the day. It can help you begin to notice patterns and triggers that you can then work on fixing and healing.

Conclusion

Remember, building an intentional marriage is a journey that requires patience, self-reflection, and consistent effort. By taking time to understand your own contributions to conflicts, working on clear communication, and healing past wounds, you can create positive changes in your relationship.

Start with small, manageable steps today – whether it’s expressing gratitude, showing love in your partner’s love language, or taking a few minutes for self-reflection at the end of each day. The key is not perfection but progress, and every small step toward intentionality brings you closer to the marriage you desire.

If you find yourself struggling, remember that seeking professional help through marriage counseling can provide additional tools and support for your journey toward a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.

Peace Family Counseling Is Here to Help

At Peace Family Counseling, located in Greenwood, Indiana, we have a team of dedicated and highly trained therapists who meet you where you are in your journey of healing. You can contact us here. We are dedicated to helping you the tools you need to find peace and healing in your life and relationships. We’d love to hear from you today!