Anxiety: Why Change is So Hard

Change Can Lead to Anxiety

Change is one of the most common reasons people come to therapy. Many people are experiencing the challenges and changes that come with life. Most change happens slowly overtime. People tend to be able to adjust to these easily because these changes are hardly noticeable. But anytime people experience a big change (e.g., moving, a baby, divorce, death, etc.), even positive ones (e.g., a baby, a marriage, job promotion, etc.), our brains detect this as a threat.  Therefore, our anxiety increases.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. When I was in high school, my neighbor was driving us to school when she had the left turn arrow. A car coming from the opposite side of the street ran the red light. For a while after the accident my brain, would “sound the alarm” that it wasn’t safe to be a passenger in a car. My brain did this because it has one job: to keep me alive. For the next several days when I was a passenger in a car, I became anxious. My brain’s alarm system would go off and try to tell me it wasn’t safe to be in the car. If I had listened to this alarm system, and not been a passenger in the car, even for a short time, I would have had a difficult time getting over this fear. It also could have led to me having to drive everywhere. Never letting anyone else drive. It might have led me to stay home all the time. And while these solutions may have worked in the short term, in the long run, it would have been problematic.

How Our Brain Functions with Changes That Lead to Anxiety

The part of the brain that is responsible for this has one job. It takes all our experiences and files them away so that it can make predictions about the future. Because when it makes the right predictions, it can literally save our lives. When it makes the wrong predictions, it can keep us stuck. This is why change is so hard. The part of the brain that makes a prediction that big changes are a threat to our very lives, will try to get us to do everything we can to avoid that change.

Why is this helpful in learning how to handle change better? It’s helpful because when we realize that our brains are just trying to keep us safe because it registers change as a threat, then we can give it new information.

How to Retrain Our Brain To Handle Our Anxiety

Researchers have discovered that people’s ability to adapt to change, largely depends on what they tell themselves about the change. For example, if you’re moving to a new city, and you tell yourself, “This is going to be the worst place ever.” Then your brain will automatically look and FIND all the things that prove that city IS the worst place ever. Your brain will see the trash everywhere. Notice how unfriendly everyone is. Find all of the things that make that city the worst. If, however you tell your brain, “This is an exciting opportunity to check out new restaurants, see what the city has to offer, and make new friends.” Your brain will start to notice all the trashcans around the city (people just aren’t using them). It will find friendly people and see all the exciting opportunities the new city has to offer.

Tips to Help With Your Anxiety

Here are a few tips that I hope will help calm your mind and anxiety.

1. Give yourself permission to grieve

If you read or follow anything I put out into the world, you know I’m a big fan of giving yourself permission to what you need to do. You may be frustrated that a big trip you were planning fell thru. You may be upset that the promotion at work fell thru. Whatever it might be, give yourself permission to grieve. I’ve realized the more I give myself permission to feel what I need to feel, the easier it is for me to move on. The more I chastise or am hard on myself for feeling the way I feel, the longer I stay stuck in that feeling.

2. Give yourself permission to rest

While I don’t always need to sleep to rest, I do find that when I’m feeling anxious or stressed, it’s helpful to sit for a few minutes, and close my eyes and take some deep breaths. I also love to include a body scan sometimes during this rest and reset. Other times, I need to go to bed early and just have it quiet. But either way, when I push through and don’t give myself the rest that I need, I usually pay for it in the long run, either by being exhausted for several days in a row, or by being short and irritated with my loved ones. Pay attention to what your body is telling you and listen to it.

3. Give yourself permission to ask for help

I think as humans, we are made to have a community surrounding us. Researchers show that people who are well connected with others live longer. I think it’s important to let others around you know that you need a little extra support. If you’re having a hard time, it’s okay for you to let your friends know that you need them. If you don’t feel like you have good friends to reach out to when you’re struggling, now is the time to be intentional about finding them and making them.

4. Give yourself permission to change your attitude

This really goes to the point I made at the beginning of this post, that researchers have shown that we work through things better when we have a better attitude. While this is very difficult to do in real life, it is one of the most important things you can do to quiet your anxiety. One of my favorite phrases, for people of all ages is for them to tell themselves, “I can handle this,” or “I can do hard things.” While it’s easier to say and believe that you can’t handle things or do hard things, that isn’t reality. In reality, your brain is trying to protect you from a perceived threat and you are able to handle and do much more than your brain is trying to convince you that it can’t.

Peace Family Counseling

If you are feeling burned out, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief/loss, marriage/relationship issues, please feel free to contact us here. We’d be happy to hear what is happening.

We could help you find the right counselor to help you feel better quickly. You can also head over to our website to read our bios and request a specific therapist. Our physical office is located in Greenwood, Indiana and we offer teletherapy to anyone in the state of Indiana.